It’s an all too familiar scene: You walk into your kid’s school and drop them off so they can get ready for their performance. It could be anything from a preschool play, to a high school chorus concert. You wander into the auditorium with all the other parents who have a little time to kill. Everyone is talking in small groups while jockeying for the best vantage point to record their prodigy. You spy your desired spot and hurry over to it without making eye contact. Everyone knows if you make eye contact they will steal your spot. You settle into your seat. Why are the seats always uncomfortable? Ugh. As you are checking your camera vantage point a family sits behind you. You start to fiddle with your phone to entertain yourself when the family behind you starts to talk to each other. While all other groups of people are using hushed tones, this family behind you is talking very loudly. No. Not again. PLEASE let these people shut up when the performance starts. The lights are lowered and you are silently hoping they will lower their volume. Oblivious, they keep talking. The performance starts. All you can see: proud cell phones aimed at their kids, trying to catch every moment. All you can hear: loud chatter about Cousin Sally and her new boyfriend. Its obvious that their kid is not on stage yet as they are not even looking forward or paying any attention. Other parents start shooting dirty looks their way. Nothing, no reaction. Did you know Cousin Sally only knew this guy for a day before they started dating??? Oh, the scandal! My God, do they not notice... All of a sudden, phones are whipped out and all becomes quiet. Their precious snowflake is finally on stage and they want to capture it. You can feel the stress leave every person within earshot. Victory!! No one had to confront them! Oh wait. As snowflake exits stage left the cell phone is pocketed and the gossip picks up with abandon. Louder, even. Did you know that Cousin Sally already bought him an expensive watch? He’s totally using her. The dirty looks are no longer subtle. 20 people are shooting their worst death glares at the clueless crew. Oh crap. You realize that you are the closest person to these people. You have to speak up. This is on you. Everyone is counting on you. Another few minutes goes by as you imagine getting yelled at in the middle of the performance. Maybe you’ll get beat up in the parking lot. Maybe they will get louder. Maybe they will ignore you and just keep on going about Cousin Sally’s horrible taste in men. Ughhhhhhhh. Come on, just do it. Quick. Easy. You got this. You spin around in your chair “Excuse me, you are being very loud and none of us can hear our kids, can you please keep it down?” The matriarch of the bunch levels her eye at you silently. You do not avert your gaze. The other family members look uncomfortable and won’t look at you. Matriarch grunts “oh...yeah ok” and looks away from you. Satisfied you turn back around. You feel 20 parents silently cheering for you and the relief is palpable. I wish this situation had only happened to me once. But you see, I have a talent for finding myself stuck in front of these people. Every single time. Or maybe they find me? So, auditorium-dwelling loud talkers I have a few things to say to you: 1) No. Bad. *water bottle spritz* You are being rude. 2) See all these people here? We’re all here for our own kids. Yours is not the only one performing. 3) If you must speak, whisper. Quietly. Very quietly. 4) I do not want to hear the adventures of cousin Sally on my video when I rewatch it. I want to enjoy my child, not you. 5) Did I mention you should zip it? Sincerely, Every other parent
3 Comments
1/30/2016 11:13:43 pm
I can totally relate, but with having no kids in school anymore. mine is when I am in church...women are the worst, but in church you can not turn around and glare as a good christian would not say anything to cause a problem....
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Jo stiles
1/31/2016 12:32:54 pm
I disagree. Bad behavior is not acceptable no matter where you are.
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april mills
1/30/2016 11:16:06 pm
Yeahhhhhh I would still say something in church. Or move. It's so annoying!
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