Today is my little man's birthday! Let me tell you about Caleb. I'm sure you have all noticed that there is 10 years between him and Trinity, that was certainly not our plan. We tried for years to have a second baby to no avail. I got pregnant once, but miscarried. Trinity as a young child had an imaginary friend she called her baby brother. She said he was on a long journey on a sidewalk, but he was coming. At a prayer meeting I very clearly heard God tell me a son was coming, but I had to wait like Hannah. So I did. I waited and trusted. Then, I got pregnant! I knew he was a boy because God said so. God named even named him. At the last moment a bunch of crazy stuff happened so at approximately 30 weeks pregnant I decided to have a home birth. We had toured the hospital I was supposed to give birth in and I was seriously freaking out. Even though it was 10 years prior, I still had major emotional trauma from Trinity's birth. I got myself an amazing midwife and I was thrilled. So this is my story of healing. My story of God's promise fulfilled. My story of strength. Sunday night we went to our church’s youth group meeting, It was a final goodbye to the youth pastor and he wanted to go out with a prayer and worship service. So I spent the evening losing myself in worship, getting prayed over and reconnecting with God. My relationship with God has suffered a lot in the past 10 months or so and I spent time repairing it. I let go of some things I was holding on to and when I walked out I felt ready. I felt good. That night I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions and more of them were painful than usual. This had been happening for the past few weeks, so I didn’t pay too much mind to it. Just figured my body was getting ready and was hoping I was slowly dilating. At 4:30am or so I was awoken with a painful contraction. I was like “ow”, so then I rolled over to my other side. Then I had another and it hurt too. Switched positions again. This went on for probably about an hour before my sleep muddled brain realized that every contraction had hurt and was radiating to my back. Then I felt an odd pop feeling down below. No water or anything, just a pop feeling. I decided to get up and start timing my contractions. I sat on a chux pad on the couch just in case, made a grumpy facebook post about being awake and nerded while I timed. Seems the contractions were about 4 min apart. Consistently. That’s interesting. All of a sudden I felt a gush and realized my water broke. It was 6:30am. I kind of sat there in disbelief for a few min when I realized I should probably wake up DJ. And call the midwife. I went upstairs and told a sleeping DJ I didn’t think he was going to work today. He was all confused and sleepy and I told him we were having a baby today instead. That woke him up pretty quick. I updated him on the events and I called Dina the midwife. She was going to get up, shower and head over. No rush, but she was on her way. That was fine. I decided to shower and the water felt soooo nice. I got out and realized I should give a heads up to the rest of my birthing team, Regina our photographer and Anastasia our Trinity minder and birth support. So I called them both and told them no rush or anything, but baby is coming today and get childcare etc etc. I emerged from the shower, got dressed in a comfortable dress and realized that the most epic storm had hit. I haven’t seen it rain that hard since we had a hurricane blow though. I came downstairs and watched the storm in my backyard in awe of the awesomeness of it. I felt like Caleb was being announced into the world with the storm. I ate breakfast and we straightened up the house and made room for the birth tub. Still having contractions every 3-4 min by the way. Around 9:30am the midwife arrived and checked me. I was dilated at 2 and still had a long way to go. She told me my contractions would probably slow down and that was ok, she wanted me to rest anyways. She left at 10am and I laid in my darkened room trying to sleep. Too bad I was too excited to sleep. She told me I would know when to call her back. I gave up on sleeping and came downstairs around 11:30 to lay on the couch. Around 12 midwife called again and suggested we get the contractions going again and gave us some suggestions. 15 min later I was having strong ones 3 min apart so the walking began. My birth team all took turns walking around the complex with me and rubbing my back through contractions. If I sat down, they started to space out, so I had to be standing and rocking my hips or walking the whole time. I had been in constant communication with my midwife via text and calls. I labored in the backyard for a while leaning on a chair, then sitting in the grass. But the sitting was just no good. I could not speak though contractions anymore, but I was fine in between them. At some point I had a hot dog for lunch. This is about where my sense of time starts to get messed up. Around 3:15pm I declared to DJ that he needed to call the midwife because I wanted her here now. I was grumpy even in between contractions and know I had progressed quite a bit. She was asking him questions and I just kept repeating in the background “She needs to come now. I want Dina here now”. DJ began to blow up the birth pool. Dina was at my house in a half an hour with her student midwife arriving a little later. She checked me and I was dilated at 6. Yay!!! I labored on my hands and knees for a while on the bed while my people filled up the tub. The hose was going too slow, so they were using pots and pans to fill it. This is comical in hindsight. But you gotta do what you gotta do right? Dina then asked me with a smile on her face if I would like to get in the pool. I was like yes omg right now. Into the tub I went and it felt very comforting. I labored in the in various positions. The most comfortable was sitting cross legged and rocking on my hips side to side. I had a lime popsicle. It got to hot for Caleb after a while, so I labored on the birth stool for a bit. This was about 7pm. On the birth stool I got really queasy and informed everyone that a bucket or bowl might be a good idea because puking was going to be happening. I threw up. While that’s not my favorite thing, I knew it was good and I was probably entering transition. I got back into the tub and became more vocal. I started putting the cold washcloths over my face to tune everyone out. I didn’t want people touching me because my skin hurt. My midwife was calmly watching me and knitting. She would check Caleb’s heart beat at variable times and ask me questions. Otherwise I was left alone to do what I wanted, wich is what I needed. Around this time I also declared that I didn’t want to do this anymore and I just wanted to take a break and cuddle. I had a long break in between two contractions and I rested. I kept thinking that this was really going to hurt when the next one came and it really was a big one. I kept wondering if I would know when to push. I had directed pushing with Trinity so I wondered how I would know. At 7:50pm a contraction came. I was reclining on my back and my body involuntarily rose up and pushed. Someone yelled “I think that’s pushing!!!” and everyone jumped pool side. After the contraction I confirmed that yes I was pushing apparently. I pushed in the tub till 8:20pm in a bunch of positions. I got him far enough down that he was just a fingertip from the opening. I just could not make any more progress in the tub so I moved to the birth stool. After two contractions I could not do the stool anymore it was killing my back bad. So midwife suggested to go upstairs to my bed. I knew I only had about 2 – 3 min to get upstairs and set up in bed before my next contraction so with just a little assistance from DJ I walk up my stairs with a baby in my dang birth canal. I could not understand why the midwife was telling me to spread my legs as I flew up the stairs because the reality of how far down the baby was had not hit me. In a flurry chux pads were put down and I jumped into bed in time for the next contraction to hit. I pushed flat on my back and that was working very well. 7 minites after jumping into bed he was crowning and I was howling about how bad it hurt. OMG the name ring of fire does not do that justice. Midwife was dumping tons of arnica oil on me and baby to help stretching. At 8:53pm Caleb was born into DJ’s hands and placed onto my chest. He was covered in vernix and crying like a champ. I was shocked. OMG there is a baby on my chest. I kept saying “oh my god. oh my god.” I did not cry, I was too shocked. I looked him over to make sure he had everything and make sure he was a boy. And I was just amazed. At a few minutes old DJ anointed him with oil and prayed over him. And I just still sat there gaping at Caleb. I birthed him in my home with no meds. It was amazing. I would never do this in a hospital again. I was surrounded by love, support, and calmness.
I feel empowered and strong. Welcome Caleb, my promised gift from God.
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It's my littlest baby's first birthday and I find myself reflective about her birth. We had a planned home birth with a midwife and it was the best possible decision for us. I run in circles where a home birth is common. I also run in circles where it is decidedly not common. So I'm going to tell you our story, and the story of Amelie's birth. To demystify it for those who have never met someone who had a home birth, and to make my home birth mommas feel happy and fuzzy. Birth is important and so is the birth story. No matter how your baby got here, the story of it has helped shape who you are. It was only after I started sharing about my traumatic birth with Trinity at a hospital that I was able to start healing emotionally from it. We have to talk more about these moments, to celebrate them and heal from them. So here is Amelie's birth story: Amelie’s birth was very emotional for me for many reasons. I had been having prodromal labor for a week. I had two bouts of it that were so long in duration and so intense I thought her birthday would be that day. It really messes with your mind and emotions when you keep thinking it’s time…. and then it’s not. Due to to the contractions and some other physical issues, I was just miserably pregnant at the end. On the morning of Thursday, May 14 DJ had already left for work and Trinity was at school. I woke up and was having some decently painful contractions. They were radiating around to my back and under. I had done this before, so I layed in bed cuddling Caleb for a while timing them. They felt more intense than previous times. They were not super regular, I would have one at 5 min, another at 7, then 6, then 3, but it was the intensity that was getting my attention. After an hour or so I called the midwife to tell her what was up, she would be on her way. I then called DJ and told him to come home and get Trinity from school. These contractions felt different than before, I was sure it was happening this time. DJ and Trinity got home and Dina (Midwife) arrived. It was about 9:30am. DJ blew up the birth pool. As soon as Dina got there the contractions just stopped. She was there for a half an hour and I didn’t have even one. She checked me and I was already dilated at 4. Most likely I had been there for days due to the other bouts of contractions I had experienced. I felt so defeated. Frustrated. This was the second time DJ had left work and Trinity came out from school at my insistence. Dina told me to take a nap and rest. Maybe I would wake up in labor, and maybe we would have a baby in a few days. She told me to communicate with her during the day. Dina left. DJ went back to work. I kept Trinity home from school to help with Caleb as I needed a nap and I felt like I just needed help. This proved to be a very wise choice. I dozed a bit. I was so miserable. I was uncomfortable, I didn’t trust my body or instincts anymore, I felt lost. I woke up around 1pm to more contractions. They were quite painful but would not evenly space out. I decided to get in the bath tub in the hopes of calming them down or something. In the tub I was so upset. The contractions felt like labor. Real labor. But they would not come at regular intervals so it couldn’t be real labor, right?? I kept praying for my water to break because then I would know for sure. I texted a dear friend of mine and poured my heart out. She gave me some sage advice “Only you can experience what you are feeling. Trust it” Then I cried. A lot. She gave me a bit of confidence that I needed. I got out of the tub and realised I was spotting blood. Well that did it for me. I texted Dina screencaps of my contraction log. They were still not regular, but they were close together and very intense. She called and asked if she should come and chatted with me. I was so confused. I didnt want to get everyone here again for no reason. As much as I knew I was in labor, I couldn’t believe I actually could be since the numbers were telling me I wasn’t. Then I had a contraction while she was on the phone. All I could do was moan through it. “I’m coming” Dina said. At this point i think it was about 3pm ish? My sense of time is decently messed up. I called DJ and told him to come back home. Told him Dina was coming again. He picked up our Caleb babysitter (Corynn) and I waited for everyone to arrive. While coming home DJ called our photographer (Marylou) and our friend Erica. The people we wanted there. Trinity was still downstairs watching Caleb and had been for hours. Thank God for Trinity. Thank God I kept her home. While I waited for everyone I just sat on the computer chair on our room. I could not be bothered to get dressed or move out of the chair. At some point I put a shirt on. I also could not be bothered to time my contractions anymore. Paying attention and hitting that “start” button required more attention than I had. Dina called me a few times to check on me, its only a half an hour drive but I think she thought I would have the baby without her! It also didn’t help that I accidentally called her in the middle of a contraction and I didn’t realise it. I gave my poor midwife a heart attack. Everyone arrived it seemed all at once. Dina checked me and I was dialated at 7 - 8. Well I guess that means I was in labor! That was very validating. We are having a baby!!! DJ was quickly filling the tub and I got myself in. I labored in the tub for a while. Physically I was feeling everything one would expect, but I was still very emotionally raw. I was not prepared for the emotionality of this birth at all. I never had that happen before. I wanted to be held, cuddled and petted. DJ came into the tub with me. He was so sweet and reassuring (even though he kept cracking jokes. If I could have kicked him I would have haha) I was being very vocal about my needs. I was not afraid to ask for what I needed. Trinity kept chattering during my contractions and I calmly told her I needed her not to talk during a contraction and if she couldn’t contain herself I would have to boot her out the room. I told her i didn’t want to do that at all, but i really needed her to be quiet during contractions. She was better after that. DJ was great at back rubbing and support and loving me. Our friend Erica came and she was holding my hand and fanning me. Everyone who was there was supporting me in some way. At some point I remember saying “Is this the worst it’s going to get???” Everyone told me it was. I believed them. I started to feel pressure during contractions but it was so fast and soon that my mind could not comprehend that it was time to push even though my body was telling me it was. I’m not sure how long I labored like that, but Dina caught on to what was going on. She told me to stand so I could feel gravity. I kept telling her no, I wasn’t going to stand, I couldn’t do it etc. I finally stood and they coaxed me out of the tub and onto the bed. Dina wanted to check me again. She declared that I was fully dilated and I could push any time I wanted. Well that was all I needed to hear! She asked if I wanted to get back into the tub, as I had wanted a water birth. I told her no. The thought of moving again was impossible. I just wanted baby out and I didn’t care where I was! So I pushed once and my water broke. I pushed again and her head was out (or nearly out, this is a little fuzzy) All of a sudden everyone is yelling at me to slow down. I had to slow down or I would tear. Also, I was screaming pretty loud. My throat was sore the next day. It was very intense. In the next few pushes, Amelie was born at 6:40pm. DJ nearly didn’t even get to catch her, it happened so fast. He almost missed it, he had been changing out of his wet clothes. Trinity almost missed it, she had gone downstairs to make eggs. The amount of relief that flooded over me immediately upon her entrance to the world was indescribable. I had originally wanted them to leave her where she was and I would get her when I wanted her (as opposed to putting her immediately on my chest). With Caleb and Trinity it was all so fast and surreal that when they were plunked on top of me I just started at them in disbelief like “its a baby, Where did you come from??” I wanted to collect myself and then meet my baby. Well that got thrown out the window the second she was born. I was like “give me the baby!!” You just never know what you will do till that moment. Plus I didn’t need that moment to collect myself, I was ready for her right away. When she was a few minutes old, DJ anointed her with oil and prayed over her with Trinity joining in. The same prayer that was said over Caleb upon his birth. The prayer that was said was the Sh’ma: Hear O Israel, The LORD is our G-d, the LORD alone! Love the LORD your G-d with all of your heart, and with all of your soul, and with all of your strength! These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children.Talk about them when you sit at home. And, when you walk along the road, and when you lie down, and when you get up! Tie them as symbols on your hands. Bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses, and on your gates. Deut. 6:4-9 And, love your neighbor as yourself! - Lev. 19:18 We snuggled and cuddled and Caleb got to meet her. It was beautiful. Time to check out the baby! All three of my births were very different. Trinity was born in the hospital and was very medical and I had had no power over what happened really. Caleb was born at home and it was a very peaceful all day affair. I was very introverted and no one could even touch me after a while because even my skin hurt. It was just me alone birthing my baby (even though I had a room full of support). Amelie’s birth was a home as well, but was very fast, emotional and dramatic for me. I needed everyone’s support, but especially DJs. He and I birthed Amelie together, I could not have done it without him.
Welcome to the world Amelie Naomi Mills, my precious bonus baby. I’m so glad you are here. |
AuthorI'm so tired. The children are so not tired. |