Artwork by: Me Hueman ."Cutie! It's been forever since we talked!" My daddy would exclaim if it has been a few days between phone calls. "Omg it's been months!" I would agree. "Years even!"
For the fist time in my life, its been an actual year since I talked to my dad. My daddy and I were always close. Our relationship got even closer once I started working somewhere that was an hour away. Trinity was about 3 years old at the time. Two days a week I would have an hour ride home at 1am. My Daddy, of course, was very concerned about me driving that late at night while I was tired. He suggested that I call him on my way home for a chat. It was his way of getting me house safe from across the country. And so It began. If you know my dad, a conversation longer than 20 min was hard for him. He would usually say "I gotta go! My ear's a bleedin!". Despite this he powered though. An hour is a long time, but he had a job to do to make sure I was safe. I can honestly say that this was the time when our relationship shifted. I got to know him as a person, not just my father. It was amazing. Of course we would talk about mundane things, but you can only do that for about 20 min before you have nothing left to say. That's when the real heart stuff came out. We talked and talked and talked about everything you can imagine. After about 6 months of this, my job moved locations. I was no longer traveling as far, or working nights. After about a week of not having my night time chats, I knew we had to figure out another time. Not having a set time to connect with my dad was leaving a gaping hole in my life. It had become a lovely habit. Driving to and from work became our chat time even though it was only 30 min. This trend continued for the rest of his life. As each new job came and went, our chats continued. It was our time. We would rarely go more than a day or two without talking. Sometimes we talked multiple times a day. That's where I feel his absence the most. I call other loved ones now during my drive, but its not the same. He was my sounding board for my life. I process things by talking them out, and he was more than happy to be that person. He also gave the best advice when i needed it. He was very wise and sage, with a dash of "you only live once, go do the crazy thing". Since he died i just feel so...uncentered. He was my rock, my safety net, my best friend. No matter what was happening in my life, I always had him to fall back on. I had him to share everything with. He was a huge part of my identity. I feel like part of me is gone. Missing. Absent. Lost. It's hard to put into words. But I can tell you this, nothing will ever be the same. I find myself....quiet. Guarded. I keep stuff to myself more. I've also had people disappear on me. I mean,, relationships ebb and flow and I'm generally ok with that (I'm a pretty low maintenance friend), but these are people that have remained absent for a year who were previously very involved in my life. At the same time, I haven't had the emotional energy to chase after those friends either. I miss these friends so much, and I'll always welcome them back into my life, I just can't hunt them down right now. I'm hoping someday they choose to come back to me one they have a handle on what they are going through as well. I find my tolerance for crap is greatly reduced. It was already getting to that point (something about being a 40 year old woman does that) but after my dad passed away something in me snapped. Thus began the great purge. I wasnt expecting that part of grief, but it hit hard and fast. I started deleting people on facebook, getting toxic/annoying/negative people out of my life, getting rid of stuff. This went on for months. I cant say it was a bad thing. Just an unexpected grief stage. i dont think im done yet, just less intense about it. I may never be done. This year had been so strange. So many good things happened. There was happiness, there was joy. Celebrations and triumphs. But all of them a bit bittersweet because my daddy wasn't part of it. Yet my dad had always impressed upon my life and heart that "Life is for the living". To that end I'm starting my own things. Creating my own traditions. Cultivating my life the way I want it to be, while figuring out what exactly that looks like. Losing a parent is such a weird thing. So many people have suffered the same loss. the world keeps turning, life goes on. I rationally know that i will heal. i know it wont sting forever. I'll always have a scar from that emotional blow, but it wont always hurt as much as it does now. I know this to be true because I watched my dad live life having lost his son. He taught me by example how to grieve. He taught me about how to live after your world seems destroyed by loss. I'm strong and resilient. I will be ok. Its just now, only a year after his death, its still raw. It still hurts, and I'm not really ok. Reality is I'll never be the same. Losing my daddy had changed me. Colored my life a different hue. So daddy i'm missing you. I wish you were here to talk me through losing you. That's what I really need right now.
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AuthorI'm so tired. The children are so not tired. |