I've been a follower of Jesus for a long time now... Since I was 14 actually. I have learned a lot about God and the nature of God in that timeframe. Most importantly I have learned that God can't be fully understood. I can't put Him in a nice neat box and call it my religion. My relationship with Him is very fluid and is very personal. He knows how to talk to me and I know how to hear Him (whether or not I do what his says all time is another post for another day).
There is one very important thing I have learned: He will redeem it. To clarify: God will redeem everything you lost by being obedient to his direction. The most dangerous and beautiful prayer you can ever say is "I'm yours God. I trust you. Use me." It's dangerous because God will then use you! It's terrifying and God will tell you to do things out of your comfort zone. He will stretch you and mold you into His likeness as you do the things He says. Sometimes though, obedience causes you pain. I grew up in California and when I graduated highschool at 17 years old I used my graduation money to visit my mom, sister and step dad in New Hampshire. I was supposed to be there for a month, which was how long I would usually visit. After about a week I heard God tell me to stay in New Hampshire. Surely God was joking! My entire life was in CA, my dad, my family, my friends, my church. Plus, rural NH was not high on my list for places to live. Seriously, i was a suburban California girl. Where would I find a boyfriend?? (I was 17, these things were important) So I argued with God for a week. God got louder. And louder. AND LOUDER. Finally I gave in. I didn't take the plane home. I broke my dad's heart when I told him I was staying, which broke mine as well. I left my closest friends and a gaping hole was left in their place. I left my whole life, my church, and started over completely. It hurt... badly. Amidst all this chaos and pain I just clung to the trust I had in God that He knew what he was doing. i really hoped He knew what He was doing. I am here to say...God redeemed it. I joined an Assembly of God church which showed my fundamentalist Baptist self a whole other side of God I had not previously seen. He revealed more if himself to me and my relationship with God really flourished. I made new friends whom I am still close to, and still kept the old ones through the miles separating us. My relationship with my step mom was improved by the distance so we could begin to work on healing. This relationship was eventually totally healed before she passed away. I met my husband at the Creation Festival trip my youth group went on. How's THAT for finding a boyfriend :) He redeemed it all. It was my first giant step of faith and I learned so much about trusting God through it. It was painful. It was hard. But trusting God was the right choice. My entire life as I know it right now hinged on that once decision. I thank God every day I trusted him through the pain. Since then I have done many scary things at His request. Things that caused my heart to hurt. I've left churches and lost friends because of God. I've quit jobs He told me to. I've obeyed God and gone where he told me to, knowing I wasn't wanted there. I'm currently sad because recently listening to God caused a situation where budding friendships were cut short and I miss them. It's still raw. But God will redeem it. He already is. I can tell you that if you hear God, obey. He will take care of you. He will heal your heart. It will still be hard. It will still hurt. But trust him in the situation and see what he can do with your life. It's worth it. Just close your eyes, take that trusting leap and trust that God will redeem it.
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This was an accidental iPhone DITL. I was going to use my camera but when DJ brought it up to the bedroom before he left for work, it had no charge. Oops. Oh well.
Come see my day! It was very busy and we celebrated DJ's birthday! I took this picture yesterday evening because it was so cute that both of the little ones were passed out. Little did I know it would be a "calm before the storm" picture because a few hours later, a stomach bug hit Caleb. There was more puking than I care to discuss; let's just say it was a rough, rough night. After all, life isn't a destination, but a journey. I want to remember mine. I have lived all over California, lived in 3 different states, and lived in a few places within New Jersey. I have changed jobs many times and switched churches. I've been in college, gotten married, and had kids. I am no stranger to people coming into and going out of my life. It used to cause me a lot of pain when people exited. I wondered what I did wrong, why they didn't like anymore. It was a very painful, internal monologue with the blame usually directed squarely at myself.
Then, I read this poem and it changed the way I look at people in my life: People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.— Unknown You always hope that a close friendship will ALWAYS be close. That your best friend in high school will watch your kids grow up. That the person who you poured your heart out to will always be there. That a work friendship will continue after you leave the job. You never think the people who have your heart will leave. You expect acquaintances to come and go, but not the close friends you share life with. Unfortunately, they sometimes do. The fact is not everyone is a lifetime friend, meant to stick around forever. This poem helped me to realize that I wasn't necessarily doing anything wrong; the time for the friendship just expired through no fault of anyone involved. Realizing that I was not the reason they were leaving was hugely liberating. That doesn't mean that it isn't hard when someone I think might be a lifetime friend turns out not to be. We freely shared our hearts, our kids, our lives, and poured into each other. It was reciprocal. And then calls grew less frequent and stopped getting returned. Visits slowed down, then stopped completely. Things faded and I am left feeling sad, missing them. I wanted them to be lifetime friends, but they weren't. When this happens, I struggle to make peace with the change and that isn't always easy. After being a central part of big events--children's arrivals, weddings, marriage problems, spiritual awakenings--these friends are now absent, or maybe on the outer fringes of my life. Some days I wish things could be as they were. And then some days I am ok with their new role in my life. It sounds pessimistic, but I no longer expect the people in my life to stick around forever. I still hope that they will, but it isn't an expectation I put on people anymore. I love each of my friends and I always dive right in. I appreciate the moments with every person; in fact, I think understanding that they may not be in my life forever makes me appreciate people more. Another bonus is when a friend I think is one of convenience or maybe a season sticks around after the time I thought they would leave. That's awesome. The friendship deepens and grows dynamic. If you have moved out of my life, know that I miss you but I understand that it must have been time. I treasure the times we had together. If you are here now, let's have a blast together and live in the moment as long as it lasts. Know that I appreciate you, and your presence in my life right now. Either way, I thank God for you. My life is richer for knowing you and I am grateful for your friendship, whether it's one for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime. |
AuthorI'm so tired. The children are so not tired. |